angst

Anyone know of a good deal for anger suppression course, please kindly let me know.

 I hate it especially I was treated like an idiot. A complete idiot. Just because I am green doesn’t mean I do not go an extra mile to understand the most. If you have no freaking idea how much effort did I go through to pull everything together, how much internal war that I have to fight before I ensure that work is churned out on time, how much thinking that I’ve to go through. When all these effort are put in, don’t shaft me aside with, “Are you sure you have thought it thoroughly? Are you sure about all these facts?” Don’t doubt me is the least I hope, and I would also appreciate that you don’t TREAT ME LIKE a useless piece of junk!

 Ever since I stepped into the dark side as many calls it, I start to hate myself. Hate myself for the need to lie through my teeth just to ensure the work flow is not jammed up, hate myself to have to argue, fight, make people cry just to prove that I’m not a major push-over and prevent from being a door mat and get tramped all over, hate myself for being so anal about the finest details that is unnecessary and hate myself to cry over the smallest pay increment of $200.

 It’s also in this cat fighting environment that I’ve evolved from a harmless being to a defensive bitch. Because I have to survive here, I have to brave myself, put on all the amour and ready to take on any guns that is raging at the other side of the wall.

 Often looking forward to any major holidays, weekends and time which I can spend with my dear friends and bubs when I can take off all these shields and speak in comfort. Only if I can take everything as a pinch of salt and disregard any comments people make on me; turning on deaf ears to the worst gossip about myself, that I can survive happily in this industry. 

Only if…..

my virgin prawning experience and other random happenings

Usual Suspects include: J@son, M@yn, net and D@niel

It's actually quite an experience unhooking the struggling prawn.

i caught 3 prawns that night.. woohoo..

The sweeties

me! victorious winner!! caught the most no. of prawns that night :)

oops!! caught in the act yawning...

fresh prawns off the grill

the sweet boys peeling of the shell for us..

Other random happenings...

Spring Leaf Tower opens a new "concept" store for Mackers

Us indulging in the latest Pr0sperity Burger

Granding opening of SLT.

Me with Ronald McD0nald's

Slut z@ch! hahahaha

A nice lunch thereafter. Playing around with y c $6K Nikkon SLR

Sh3rvin & J@nice Wedding @ Sherat0n

Lucky him with a gorgeous bride..

A concoction of Beer and wine.. slurpp!

a no longer monochrome life

Apologize for the "construction in progress" and my bubs is pressing me so hard everyday to get it going. Was too tide up with work the entire week and only have occasional 10 min break to click through google hunting for beautiful blog skin that can best represent my emotions.

Changed my blog skin. Was rambling so hard through the net and finally chanced upon a few that I fell in love with, but can't seem to be able to set it up properly. Since the html bits are killing me, I decided to use the xml function and upload it.

Had a few blogs previously, from blogspot to livejournal to vox and now back to blogspot. At each phase of my life having different blogs with different skins actually best represent me. When I started this blog, it was a monochrome. With a gorgous looking girl squatting over the toilet bowl holding onto a ciggy. Many was curious if that was me? Nope it wasn't. First, I don't have such beautiful curves, and secondly, I don't smoke.

Fell into a bottomless pit since eons ago. It didn't hit me so hard until 2007. When the world came crushing on me. Many termed it quarter life crisis, I concede. Everything seem to have gone wrong since many years ago, but I've hidden it so perfectly well in this darkest place in my heart. As the blood pump from within, it would flow through my capillaries letting emotions ride all over me. I raised my white flag.

So what really hit me hard last year?

• $2000 pay check in tbw@. I'm proud to annouce that I was paid peanuts. Fancy that I've wasted my life studying for a seem like a piece of useless certification and proved my worth to this society with a $2K pay. People uses 3/4 years of their life doing a degree, I took a total of 5 years. If the reason is that I suck in studying, it actually would do much more comfort to me. The truth is this.. In 2002, I braved myself to do chemical engineering in melbourne. After a horrendous year (I guess calling me a mugger is an understatement) of hardcore studying achieving a first class standard, i dug my own grave making a trip outskirts. It was a grave mistake. I was near the brim of death with a relief that I've gotten had a whip lash and a not a paralysed body. A bad one, so bad that my doctor now said this to me," In my 15 years of chiropractioning, I've never met such a patient like you. You are a challenge to me". I guess, this explains all the neck aches that has been haunting me since I was 21.
• feeling pins and needles each time the inury summons itself upon me. Till today, I won't be able to snug in bed and concuss without waking up because of the sharp pain at least twice every night. I have already long forgotten what is a good sleep.
• a year in a useless programme which has been proven that we are the guinea pigs and that I would start from ground zero once I move out of the company. Everything returns to square one once I "graduate" from the yet to be proven management trainee program. (yes, I wasted another year working, this equades to me that I am 3 years slower than my fellow peers)
• leading a aimless singlehood (which is not important to me actually, but put it in as a filler on the list)
• Taking up SI@ acct thinking that i stupidly think that it would look extremely good on my portfolio. Since the day I started, I've never left the office until 2am and would started burying myself in my comp at 7am. Even to resorting to march myself back to office on the 2nd day of cny.
• burning bridges with an influential being in my industry which would lead to repercussions = bad name in this industry = cannot find jobs in the near future. I can still vividly see her in my eyes, screaming at the top of her lungs saying "If you are not committed or loyal to SI@, den I don't need you at all. Don't waste my time. I can't believe how stupid you are to give up this acct for Mackers." I was never screamed at even by my own parents this way. Also, it's the first time in life that I never stopped crying only after the 8th hour.

Adding on to the list, the piercing pain comes from what happen since many years ago that I can't seem to let go.

These reasons; truthdevoid as my blog URL says. I seem to be always able to mask all this emotions with a wide smile on my face and a jovial character that many may seem. And of course, I am extremely tired.

As I was about to resign to fate, I hit a turning point in my life. Nothing could be worse than a rock bottom life isn't it?

• Had a job switch. Still staying on in my line of work with a minute pay rise that it's not worth mentioning. But still it lights up my life a little. The team I am working in is good, learning curve was so steep but still at a comfortable gradient. Bosses are willing to teach unlike the previous. I don't reckon that this change of my career from a science background to a communication is because of passion. I wouldn't hide that I'm more for the $. This job has an exponential pay rise, I guess this explains all.
• On 8 Aug 08, I see a bright light shinning that blinded me through that door hole of mine. As I've kept my door closed since my previous relationship, this shine seems to raise the curosity in me and I decided to open it. With this, all the beautful things fall into place.
• enage a chiropractioner which bubs encourages me to take on by even going to the sessions regularly with me. With that, my neck is feeling better now.
• mummy bubs and bubs each bought me a pillow. so I have two lying on my bed now. with a better pillow, I was able to sleep in longer before the pain kicks in waking me up.
• bubs bought me a chou chou. of cuz not to win the unbeatable bren's chou chou. but, to help in the little exercise that my practioner advised.
• loved by mummy and daddy bubs. mummy bubs really doted on me. I'm the luckist gal in this world.

all the above are actually trivial, what is worse is the pain that I have since years ago. So what about it now? This explains the birth of this post as well as the revamp of my blog. From a monochromatic to a rainbow coloured one. It would be cumbersome to change my URL as many would say that I change blog addy like I change my underwear! haha..

I would want to attribute this post to my one and only love of my life. You opened my heart, and took all those pain away. The pain that has been hammering me so hard for so many years. You took it as a pinch of salt and help to melt everything away. You have no idea, absolutely no idea how grateful I was and there will never be anymore truth devoid. I love you and yes, as I promised, I would never ever leave you. never...

You coloured my life completely and mean the world to me.

As I dare to shout, I've never loved a man so much before in my entire life.

Thank you bubs...